my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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