my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
