I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
