Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
