I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
