He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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