After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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