I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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