i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i out mim tonsoeep
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize