Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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