There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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