why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
