remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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