question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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