cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
