Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
