My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
3 2 1 whiskey
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
