I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
