it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
