I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
and you fell through a lawn chair
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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