I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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