I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
