so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
