Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
