I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
