I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
