Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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