What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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