I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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