Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
