i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
