I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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