I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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