I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize