we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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