I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
