shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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