Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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