Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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