I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
