Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
