Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
