Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
