Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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