I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
