I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
