Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
