The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
