I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
