The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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