Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize