she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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