You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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