$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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