Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
