I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
