And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
