I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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