the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
