I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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