I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
