It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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