I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
