Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
