Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
