My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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